I have this strong problem solving aspect to me.
It’s like an assumption that every problem has a solution. All I need to do is uncover it, work out what it is.
What seems to help is the idea that, for most things at least, there isn’t an inherent right or wrong.
Socially, we’re taught that there generally is. That there’s a specific way that things should be, like how workload should be distributed in a relationship, what each person should do if the other is struggling, how to be with other people socially, what’s good to say, what isn’t… and the list goes on.
Yet, much of the time, those ideas are just broad strokes.
They’re models that work for many people much of the time.
Like sleeping patterns.
I learned through friends, family, and society at large, that the norm is for a couple to spend most nights in the same bed – and that separating out is generally a signal that something is wrong.
Like, the husband who has to spend a few nights in the spare room because he’s in the proverbial doghouse.
I suspect that some couples sleep together night after night, even when they’re disturbing each other’s sleep or when their timing is radically different.
That’s simply the norm.
It’s not always the way of it though.
I remember listening to a motivational speaker on YouTube who talked a bit about how his wife and him had separate bedrooms. They often slept together, but used the separate rooms as their own personal spaces. Places where they found safe, where things could be their own particular way.
Seems like that style would be particularly good for couples with very different personal styles. Someone who loves things clean and tidy, plus someone who throws things on the floor, perhaps.
I read an article once about a wife who literally took out a small apartment so she had a space that was just hers – and she wasn’t the only one.
Or, the filmmaker Taika Waititi who got a ton of flack for photos of him being kissed by his girlfriend and an actress, while they were all cuddled up together. When he finally responded, he simply said that he’d done nothing wrong and that it wasn’t a big deal.
That’s the thing.
There are all kinds of variations on normal. Different ways of doing things.
Such variations might even be more common than normal ever was. They’re just not part of the narrative.
Instead, we act like normal is everything. We whitewash over everything else. Pretend that it isn’t happening or that the unusual is somehow wrong.
Sometimes we aspire to normal, even when so-called normal isn’t a good fit for our situation at all.
Honestly, I think it’s time to be weird.
To break out of boxes and moulds.
To look for the solutions that work, even if they go against the grain, even if they feel strange at first.
I love the idea of experimenting. Of trying different ideas and approaches. Then finding, through trial and error, what works and what doesn’t.
That’s problem solving for me.
Dropping the idea of what is right and wrong, then just playing. Sometimes the experiments don’t work, but sometimes, the solutions are much much better than normal ever could be.
