I come back to emotions time and time again in my writing.
In part, because they’re so very human.
They don’t define us, per se. That’s something to be grateful for, as all we feel ebbs and flows so much.
However, they’re a huge part of who we are. How we experience life. They can be amazing, with emotions like hope, excitement, joy, awe, and happiness making even ordinary moments feel like so much more.
I’m also fascinated with emotions because they’re, well, tricky.
They’re tricky for me, anyway. I assume I’m not alone here.
It’s easy to end up in this constant search for a good feeling. Where we are always looking, seeking, to feel better. Thankfully, the modern mindfulness movement and books like The Happiness Trap and Mindful Self-Compassion have helped us to shift away from that idea. To recognize that the apparently negative emotions have their place too.
They’re still part of us. Part of the human experience.
I’m interested in the balance.
Because, in one sense, yes. Negative emotions aren’t ‘bad’. They often need to be experienced. And, if they well up often, they suggest that something needs to be addressed. Perhaps something to do with the present – or even with the past.
But, this is only true when emotional fluxes aren’t debilitating. When they’re not ruling your life.
I’ve struggled with this one for a long time.
My emotions are intense.
It’s tempting to say that I’m hyperemotional, extremely sensitive, or a strong empath. The latter is at least partly true, but none of those terms really describe what’s going on for me.
The most likely answer is trauma, where the strong emotions I feel are a type of flashback, where I’m re-experiencing emotions from the past. I only flash back emotionally (no images, no imagination), so it’s easy to mix the intensity of what I feel with what’s happening in the present moment.
Even these days, this can sometimes mean that I’m bawling or shaking after a moment that really was nothing. Sometimes my emotions will be overwhelming, even though a similar event has happened dozens or hundreds of times and normally feels fine.
So, I’ve been looking for techniques. Approaches.
What to do with all I feel.
The long-term answer is, of course, to work through the trauma. I’ve done some of this work with a therapist and continue to step through it on my own. That’s slow, though. It seems like each trauma trigger needs to be addressed individually.
Things often work in layers too, where I find resolution in one area, just to realize there’s a whole different layer beneath it.
I have techniques for trauma work, along with some good resources. That much isn’t a problem. But, I also need things that help keep me level now.
While I can’t necessarily prevent an emotional spiral, crash, and all the fallout that surrounds it – these approaches do help.
This post focuses on what has worked for me, along with ideas that I’ve picked up through work and research.
I’m hoping that some of the ideas could help others too. Your challenges are almost certainly quite different than mine. Still, if something that’s helped me inspires one person in a tiny way – then this post has been worth writing.
How I Approach This
There seem to be two big schools of thought with emotion – one that revolves around digging into what you feel and why, then trying to address those paradigms.
The other focuses on the idea that emotions are stories.
That what we feel often isn’t quite what we think it is. After all, there’s a strong physical aspect to emotions and how we move our bodies influences how we feel.
Both areas are crucial.
If you always run with ’emotions are stories’, then you may miss some really serious clues about yourself. Doing so is also a little like constantly bailing out a boat – you’re consistently putting a lot of work in, because there’s something underlying your emotions that needs to be addressed.
If you always run with analysing your thoughts and emotions, then you risk never actually living. You can also get yourself wrapped up around an emotion, problem, or moment that doesn’t need that much focus.
This version is a little like having the boat on land and constantly trying to make it better. Sometimes you just need to get in the water, feel the breeze on your face, and trust your own strength.
To balance these two areas, I use a rough three step process.
- Internal. This relates to how I feel, too what I think is the problem. It’s the gut punch part, the moment where my emotions may be overwhelming. Whenever possible, I do this on my own, as what I feel often isn’t very related to what’s actually happening, but it takes a while before I realize this.
- External. This involves considering other points of view. If I was triggered by what someone did, I look at other potential reasons. What drove them? For example, most of us get a bit snippy and short-tempered when we’re tired. If someone does that to me, it doesn’t mean I was wrong or they don’t love me, just that they’re exhausted (or hungry or dealing with external drama… you get the picture).
- Pivot. The pivot relates to the second area, the idea that emotions are stories. It’s about getting out of the emotions and into the present moment. Doing so feels impossible at first and takes some bravery, but it is possible, and gets easier each time.
Engaging with the Emotions
Engaging with your emotions means thinking carefully about what you feel and why.
This is generally my starting point, as it’s an indication of whether my emotions are telling me something I need to respond to.
Sometimes they are.
Sometimes they aren’t.
The first step is to try and take a step back. To not assume that my emotional response is ‘true’ or ‘real’, but instead to be curious about what my emotions are telling me.
Listening to your thoughts here is relevant as well. What’s running through your mind offers insight into what you think is going on. You may have multiple stories or just one. It could help to simply observe for a while.
I’ve left this suggestion as an aside, as the post focuses on techniques that work for me – and this is something I can’t do. I don’t have conscious thoughts in the normal way, so I primarily rely on my emotions for clues about the stories in my subconscious.
The Internal
My first step is always, what do I feel?
Sometimes this comes out awfully, as part of a fight, almost as a spew of venom.
I try to avoid that.
It’s better to work on it alone. Sometimes I write it out, as a letter or in a journal. I might make a video journal or simply speak out loud to myself.
Talking to someone else helps too, but only if it is the right someone.
This part is a balancing act.
It’s important to work through what I feel. It’s even better if I can do so and feel heard.
But, it’s essential to not get bogged down here. To not believe my side too much.
It’s tempting. To believe what I feel. Because it seems so real. Doing that is dangerous though, as emotions have a strong physiological component. They link to sensations in our bodies and how we interpret those – and those interpretations are based in the past.
So, I spend some time on what I feel. Enough to see whether it makes sense.
Not whether it feels real, mind you, but whether the emotions fit the situation.
I have two main criteria: do these emotions make sense, given the trigger? And, do they match what I normally feel?
Often, the answer is maybe, followed by no.
That no is my clue. If I only sometimes feel this way, the issue isn’t in the situation.
The External
So, if what I feel and think mightn’t be objective, what are the other options?
That’s my goal here. To think about what else could be going on.
If I’m reacting to another person, I start by thinking about them.
Part of this is assuming that they have their own hurts. And that they may not have the same values and instincts as me,
Doing so is easier with people I know well.
So, if a friend has a lot on their plate and doesn’t message back – it’s easy to see that they’re probably overwhelmed. They don’t hate me, they are simply managing their energy.
Or, if they’re always busy and always running late, then they’ll probably be late meeting me too. That doesn’t have anything to do with me.
The same is true for life itself.
I’ve met people who thought “the world is out to get me”. The simple alternative is that sometimes, life sucks. Some people end up with problem after problem, while others don’t. Perhaps that means that someone is manipulating us or.
Or, that sometimes chance just sucks. I mean, you can roll a 1 a dozen times in a row. It’s not likely, but it is possible. And, if we’re talking about millions of rolls of the dice, someone will probably get 6 1s at some point.
There are countless ways to think of this.
The goal is simply, what are the alternatives to the me-centric story?
What I’m talking about here is essentially a variation on CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy). It may even be CBT, as I admittedly only got part way through the process myself, which is the downside of being tight financially and only getting four free sessions funded at a time.
There are other approaches too, like REBT.
Regardless of the approach, the underlying idea is that what feels true is only one perspective (and could easily come from poor assumptions, conditioning, or trauma). What are some other perspectives?
Don’t forget about other external things too – like being ratty because you’re hungry or because you need to sleep.
Incidentally, if you’re certain that your perspective is true, this approach is still useful as a way to balance and double-check. You may find that, yes, you were right all along. If that’s the case, then the rest of the post isn’t relevant.
And, don’t get me wrong. There are many many cases where you’re not to blame. Where what you feel is accurate and where someone else is trying to bully you. That happens all too often – and is known as gaslighting.
The rest of this post is only relevant if your reactions are off kilter.
I don’t mean that you are wrong. Not at all. Our reactions come from our past, they were learned, and they take time to unlearn.
For me, I know that my reactions are often linked to me, rather than the situation at hand. One indication is that many people pick up that my reactions are often a bit off. Not just partners, but parents and friends too.
The other is that my reactions aren’t consistent. The same behaviour can be fine 95% of the time and every so often it hurts like hell. Or, sometimes I hurt and I can’t even say why. Those are indications that the pain comes from me, not from what someone else is doing.
Trauma is the reason for such reactivity, things from my past, things I’m still finding my way through.
I could ask everyone I love to avoid everything that triggers me.
Except… that would be incredibly difficult for them and completely unfair – especially as my triggers appear to change. And, it would rob me of the chance to grow.
There are specific triggers, very painful ones, I ask people to avoid. But, I won’t ask people to tiptoe around me. If I do, then this never gets better.
What Next?
Looking at my story helps me to feel validated. There’s a comfort aspect to doing so as well.
Looking at the external story, at other people, helps me to step beyond myself. Beyond the emotions. To start to see how there are multiple perspectives.
Sometimes doing so is enough on its own.
Often it’s not.
The problem is that both approaches still keep me locked within the situation. Focused on what I feel and what’s happening.
Sometimes doing so is important, especially if there is a problem to be solved. Other times, I need to move beyond.
So, there are some questions I ask myself.
- Do the emotions signal a need? Something that should be changed or that I need to think about further?
- Are the emotions truly based on now? Alternatively, are the linked to the past or assumptions?
- Are they reasonable? Like, is what I feel extreme for the trigger? Or, am I expecting too much of other people? After all, everyone has their own challenges and no one can read my mind.
Are the emotions timely?
This final one is interesting and bears further conversation.
So, even if the emotions are valid and need to be dealt with, it’s not always the right time.
Right?
Honouring emotions makes sense, but most of us can’t afford a break down in the middle of a workday or when we are desperately needed. Sometimes it’s necessary to compartmentalize what we feel until an appropriate time.
Just… please, don’t do that indefinitely. If you feel like you’re walking on thin ice emotionally, there’s probably deep work that needs to be done.
Some Options
There are a few ways to respond to overwhelming emotions.
What I do depends on whether the emotions are linked to the present or the past.
- If they’re linked to the present and are strong, I’ll look at what’s happening, at what needs to be changed.
- If they’re linked to the past and aren’t overwhelming, I might sit with them or use a technique to ground me into the present.
- If they’re overwhelming and timely, I might do some deep work, like therapy, journaling, or narrative work to identify the root cause and what I can do. I’m cautious with this, as deep work can be tough and I must allow the time to do it well.
Finally, if the emotions are from the past and they’re either untimely or already familiar, I’ll work on pivoting.
That’s probably a topic for another post, but I want to talk about it at least a little – as it’s been such a big thing for me.
Making a Pivot
For a while now, I’ve been working on how to pivot out of strong emotions.
Sometimes that involves switching them out entirely. Often it’s more like my emotions are layers. So, sadness, anger, or whatever else is still there, but it’s not what’s driving me anymore.
Depending on your background, this approach might sound reasonable. Or, perhaps damaging.
Here’s the thing though.
While emotions are important and often give valuable signals. They’re not always true.
What we feel is partly based on our physiology. On our posture. How we move. What we’re doing physically. Or not doing.
Emotions are based on what we think too. On what we say.
And on how our minds interpret events around us. The stories we tell ourselves.
All of those things are changeable.
In fact, the internal/external stuff I talked about earlier is part of the process (for me, at least). It’s a tool for stepping away from the idea that my interpretation of the moment is true and no other one can be.
There’s a self-perpetuating cycle with emotions too, which is particularly relevant. For example, if you feel sad, you might start to slouch, to look down, and move less. If the sadness is prolonged, you might spend less time with people and leave the house less often.
Such patterns aren’t just the result of being sad, they also promote those same emotions. If you wait until you feel better until you start to do anything, sadness can last much longer than it needs to.
Although, notably, I’m talking about sadness here, not depression. That’s a different beast.
Where To Begin
For me, making a pivot starts with a decision.
The decision to not let this overwhelm me anymore.
The decision isn’t based on emotion; it can’t be. Instead, I often decide despite what I feel. Sometimes I really really don’t want to, but know that I need to.
If I get stuck, I can do so for someone else’s sake.
Making the decision is fairly easy these days. It’s taken practice to get to this point though.
That’s like everything though. Practice makes perfect, right?
Then, I need to break patterns.
Physiology helps, a lot. Moving my body, changing my physical state.
Often I look for the opposite of what I feel. So, if I’m anxious (or, terrified, as is often the case), I look for empowerment. Sometimes that’s as simple as dropping into a boxing stance, as I have strong body memories of power from boxing). Making a fist or punching the air helps too.
Looking confident.
My body starts catching up.
Sadness is the most common emotion I need to break away from.
Well, that’s a simplification. Sadness for me is often overwhelming, having me crying my eyes out over some tiny thing (which, again, seems to be a trauma-related effect).
The opposite is joy.
Dancing is a go-to for me. Music too. I love songs that I can sing to, as I find that I can’t think when I sing. Burlesque.
Doing things that make me smile.
Having a shower, getting dressed up, changing my hair.
After all, putting on makeup, wearing tights, heels, and a dress changes how I hold myself. Of course it does. That alone helps with the emotional shift. It’s different. I feel different.
Often, I don’t feel good when I begin. But, the shifts in my body change what I feel. While the approach doesn’t always work, it often does, and is getting both faster and stronger.
